Raunch Five
Bishops of Bastard Presents: Raunch Five (also known as Raunch & Righteous 5) is a spec script for a webcomic created by Darnell Deepwell and written by Mickey Random. This installment of the series follows the continuing saga of the First Church Family, Jolen-Heli, Mia Arrabo and their son Pia Arrabo. Much of the story takes place between Bishops of Bastard Foremost Part 3 through Part 7. The early ministry of Pia Arrabo is covered as he makes his journey from Lord Bishop to Arch Bishop and finally to celestial Cardinal. Young Pia's faith, trust and loyalty are put to the ultimate test when the enemies of his parents seek to destroy him. But when The Magistrate and Dagon realize that Pia is the Chosen One to be the Promised Key of the Universal Library on earth, they decide to win Pia to their cause, beginning Cardinal Arrabo's downward spiral into madness and later the betrayal of his duties, his people and himself. __TOC__ Plot Newly ordained Diocesan Bishop Pia Arrabo is being transported to Egypt via slave caravan to be sacrificed to Dagon. Pia’s four cousins descend on the transport, kill the Hæysux satyrs and free Pia. Years later in 1465, Pia is now the Arch Bishop of his father’s Church in Istanbul. Church elders frown upon Pia’s sexual exploits with female congregants; his latest fling is with a Greek Lady Bishop named Atropos, whom his mother Mia Arrabo openly detests. In his arrogance, Pia burns all the bridges his father Jolen-Heli built. At a meeting with the current Sultan, Mehmed the Conqueror, Pia is told to beware of the Christian (Catholic) Church, for they are known to infiltrate and destroy eastern orthodox churches. After a stern talk from Mia, Pia decides to stop fooling around and settles down; he proposes to Atropos and she says yes. Magistrate still hates Jolen-Heli’s son and asks Dagon to work through Atropos to hurt the young Arch Bishop. On the night before their big wedding, Atropos reveals that she is a spy for the Roman Church just before stabbing Pia in the genitals with a dagger. After the attempted castration of Pia, Atropos goes to kill his mother, but Atropos is bested by the Lady Mia in a sword fight. For maiming the Arch Bishop and trying to murder the Holy Mother of the Church, Pia orders his former fiancée to be vertically sawn in half. Her body halves are sent to her family and to the Catholic monks, earning Pia the short-lived nickname “blood bishop”. In 1492, the Spanish Inquisition sweeps across Europe. A gold cache in Spain belonging the Church is attacked. Jolen-Heli orders Pia to take his cousins and go to Spain to retrieve the gold bullion. Pia also calls upon the Bomb and the Primeit for help in the gold heist. After the heist, Pia is made a celestial Cardinal. But the death of his mother leaves him broken, despite his new position. Against his father’s wishes, Pia leaves earth for 230 years. When Cardinal Arrabo returns to earth in the mid 1700s, he finds that the Trans-Atlantic slave trade is being overseen by a powerful Hæysux legionnaire named Moloch. Moloch won’t be next in line for the throne of Caprasecks because of his kinder elder twin brother Mot. Pia challenges Moloch to a duel for the freedom of the slaves in America. When Pia loses to Moloch, he is comforted by the Magistrate who offers herself as Pia's new mistress. Pia tries to create a super celestial to kill Moloch using Universal Powers and Magistrate’s womb. When the experiment doesn’t go as planned, Dios and Anonymous are born to the Magistrate and her wish to be a mother finally comes true. Obsessed with revenge, Pia forms an unlikely alliance with Moloch’s estranged twin brother Mot. Together they regroup with Pia’s team and take down Moloch. After building the Universal Library on the celestial plane, Pia grows bored with his position there. Dagon uses this to his advantage and succeeds in turning Pia against the Sages. When the Bomb discovers that Pia is in league with the Hæysux, he flees his home realm with the Cipher to the Universal Library. Feeling like he has been denied his inheritance for too long, Pia hides out in the realm of Caprasecks with Magistrate on an estate owned by Lord Mot, where they plot to over throw the Lumi-Visian Sages using Universal Powers. Quotes DARIUS: You’ve turned my beloved Church into a den of adultery! PIA: Adultery? I’m not married. DARIUS: Exactly. So why are you having relations with your own Lady Bishops? PIA: Where are you getting your information? DARIUS: From my own eyes, Your Lordship. You have desecrated the holy altar of your father. Have you no shame? PIA: What else have you seen? DARIUS: Things so raunchy by you and your cousins, I dare not utter them. PIA: Then don’t. Mia speaks to Darius about Pia’s lustful behavior. MIA: You think I approve of the things he does? No, I do not. But, he is the fruit of my womb and I will not discard him. DARIUS: Then, you have to ask yourself how long you intend to hold on to spoiled fruit. Magistrate and Dagon watch belly dancers clamor around Pia at his bachelor party. DAGON: Can we conclude that you burn in lust for the Arch Bishop? Surely you know he has a reputation within his own Church. MAGISTRATE: I’ve heard the rumors. DAGON: They say he’s incredible in bed. Women beg him for sex. MAGISTRATE: I want his whoremonger career cut short. Can you do that? DAGON: What do you mean? MAGISTRATE: Cut. Short. DAGON: Ouch. Now that’s cruel, even to prick like me. MAGISTRATE: Can you make it happen? DAGON: I’ll be creative. MAGISTRATE: Good. I want him wounded, scarred so deeply that he’ll have no other place to go but into my loving embrace. DAGON: You’re an evil, hateful bitch. MAGISTRATE: Thank you. MIA: I try to be a good example to the Lady Bishops and here I am having thoughts of murdering my son’s mistress. JOLEN: Well, she is a bitch. Atropos is led to a gallows for execution. ATROPOS: I’ll never set foot in Istanbul again. But please don’t hang me. PIA: You’re right. Hanging is not the way. Rope is but a simple instrument. So I’m going to use a more sophisticated mechanism. Two Bishops approach the gallows with a large two-man hand saw. ATROPOS: Are they cutting down the gallows? PIA: Instead of stringing you up by your worthless neck, we’re going to hang you upside down… Atropos watches the Bishops oil up the blade. PIA: …and saw you in half. Atropos faints. PIA: Get her up there. LORD BISHOP: Your Grace, she’s unconscious. PIA: Then don’t start cutting until she wakes up. Characters *Pia Arrabo – son of Jolen-Heli and Arch Bishop of the Holy Father Church *Agar – Tama-Cider’s oldest son *Zelpha – Tama-Cider’s middle son *Urias – Tama-Cider’s youngest son *Tabita – Muta-Ramah’s daughter *Seren – son of General Dyno-Might *Sirius Stoutkong – Babodrill Arch Bishop *Father Dios – Head of the Celestial Authorities Forces, creation of Pia Arrabo *Anonymous – Mass Noun Agent, brother of Dios, creation of Pia Arrabo *Anonymiss – Wife of Anonymous, created by Anonymous *Magistrate – Jolen’s former Lumi-Visian mistress, mother of Dios and Anonymous *Dagon – Hæysux overlord, enemy of Jolen-Heli *Moloch – son of Dagon, enemy of Pia Arrabo *Mot – son of Dagon, Moloch’s elder twin brother *Abaz – Loyal servant of Moloch, enemy of Dagon and Mot *Atropos – newly ordained Lady Bishop and Pia’s love interest *Mia Arrabo – Abbess over all Lady Bishops of the Church *Darius – Persian businessman who handles Church finances *Jolen-Heli – Lumi-Visian Sage of Wisdom *Tama-Cider – Lumi-Visian Sage of Knowledge *Muta-Ramah – Lumi-Visian Sage of Understanding *Dyno-Might – Leader of the Denzenhut people Raunch Five Gallery Raunch-five-title-card.jpg|Title Card Rr5-sm.png|Title Graphic tomorrow-raunch-5-MED.jpg ---- ---- Category:Bishops of Bastard Presents The Raunch and the Righteous